.jpg)
Soul Bruises
As a lifelong believer in Christ, I’ve grown weary of witnessing harm within spiritual settings. I’m tired of pretending it isn’t happening or convincing myself that spiritual abuse isn’t a serious issue—one that not only plagues the church but is also spreading beyond religious institutions.
This is why the Soul Bruises podcast was created. It’s dedicated to exposing, educating, and ultimately working toward the eradication of spiritual abuse in all its forms. Whether you can relate to my experiences or bring your own perspective to the table, I hope Soul Bruises offers a balanced and thorough exploration of the issue.
Whether you’re a spiritual leader, a member of a church, or someone with no connection to God or religion, I challenge you to reconsider your assumptions about spiritual abuse. I encourage you to tune in.
With each episode, I hope you gain a clearer understanding of what spiritual abuse is, how it manifests in religious and non-religious settings, who it affects, and why it’s crucial to address it with honesty and purpose.
Soul Bruises
Episode 22 - Your Nervous System Is Not Sinning; It Is Protecting You! - Understanding Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn through Spiritual Abuse
FREEZE
YouTube Video of Bobi Gephart confronting Pastor John Lowe II (13:39) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4Sh2-Peefo
FIGHT
YouTube Video of "Remembering Jennifer Lyell" (5:37)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7ekxdMchxA
FLIGHT
Who are the 2 x 2's?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83DZdzxpR84 (Short Version - 1:58)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o_vTxBShFA (Long Version - 16:10)
FAWN
Mars Hill Pastor Mark Driscoll
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQopCn4MFwM (10:52)
The Rise & Fall of Mars Hill Podcast (Episode 1)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cou36nSmJY
"When Religion Hurts You" Dr. Laura Anderson
What is Religious Trauma?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjdBoBOhXvA (short clip)
4 Trauma Responses (Dr. Alex Howard)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVQDRrs-a8A (6:28)
*************************************************************************************************This episode of Soul Bruises explains how fight, flight, freeze, and fawn show up in faith spaces and why they are survival, not sin. We share real stories, practical regulation tools, and a path from shame to curiosity so survivors can rebuild safety, voice, and trust.
• defining spiritual abuse and the autonomic nervous system
• clear explanations of fight, flight, freeze and fawn
• how churches mislabel trauma responses as moral failings
• scenarios that map all four responses in a church conflict
• whistleblowing, delayed disclosure and high control groups
• tend and befriend versus fawning and why it matters
• practical regulation skills and boundary setting
• moving from survival to healing with supportive community
• recommended reading: When Religion Hurts You by Dr Laura Anderson
You can reach me at soulbruises@gmail.com or send me a message on Instagram at SoulBruises2023
"Be Human, Be Kind, Be Both."
Hello, my friends and fellow soul defenders. My name is Christie, and this is Soul Bruises, A podcast devoted to taking a closer look at spiritual abuse. If this is your first time listening, I'm so glad you're here. I'm also grateful for those returning This podcast exists to name, confront, and address spiritual abuse out loud, and to learn more about what it is, how it shows up, and how we can begin to understand it better.
Unfortunately, it will not disappear on its own. Eradicating it requires many consistent voices speaking up and refusing to tolerate harmful behavior in God's name. This podcast is my personal contribution to that effort, and I'd love for you to join me on that. Whether you're raising awareness in your church, family, friend group, or online, your voice greatly matters.
Together we can create healthier, more honest communities of faith. This podcast will not shy away from hard conversations. I know the topic of spiritual abuse can stir up strong emotions, painful memories, and even traumatic events. I can't stress enough. Please prioritize your mental and emotional wellbeing even if you need to turn off this podcast. Do it. You're not alone, and I'm here to support you.
Lastly, I wanna say a special hello to Soul Bruises listeners in Springfield, Oregon, Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Bergenfield, New Jersey, Augsburg, Bavaria, and Herriman, Utah. No matter where you're tuning in from, I hope you feel seen, loved, and supported.
Before we begin, I wanna make it clear that I am not a mental health professional. I am simply someone who deeply cares about these issues and wants to share what I've learned in hopes that it might help someone else. If you're struggling, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed medical health professional for support.
Today we're gonna explore four common trauma responses that often show up in people who are experiencing spiritual abuse. Chances are you've experienced one of these responses or have noticed them in someone else. Our bodies are equipped with a built-in safety system called to autonomic nervous system, or ANS for short.
It is an automatic body response to a perceived threat or danger, a system within us that in many instances, helps to keep us alive. The ANS controls some of our body's most vital functions. Things like heartbeat breathing, digestion, perspiration, pupil size, and even blood pressure within the ANS are two different systems.
With different jobs in our body, they are the sympathetic nervous system, the SNS, and the parasympathetic nervous system, PNS. The Cleveland Clinic compares these two systems like this: (Quote) "Your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems have opposite roles. While your sympathetic nervous system carries signals that put your body systems on alert. Your parasympathetic carry signals that relax those systems, the two systems work together to keep your body in balance. Your sympathetic nervous system takes the lead for as long as is necessary to get you through a period of danger. Then your parasympathetic nervous system steps in and returns things back to normal". (End Quote)
In reality, the autonomic nervous system, ANS is your body's instinctive way of signaling your brain to respond to danger. The parasympathetic system, PNS, on the other hand, helps bring you back into balance once the threat has passed by slowing your heart rate and supporting rest, digestion, and recovery.
Throughout this podcast episode, I will show how the autonomic nervous system plays a role in the four trauma responses and how they shape the ways we react when our sense of both physical and spiritual safety is threatened. So let's get into those four distinct ways that your body reacts in the face of trauma.
They are Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn....Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. Each response is an instinctive attempt happening without conscious thought to protect and ensure your survival. If you've ever recognized these responses in yourself or overlooked them in others, or simply wanna better understand trauma responses. This episode is for you. I've been told there is a fifth one, but I will not be including that in this episode.
These trauma responses don't just occur within churches or religious settings. They also appear in the wider secular world. Though we are talking about these trauma responses in a religious environment. They aren't exclusive to just those settings. They're part of the human experience everywhere. While they may take on different forms in different environments, learning how to recognize and navigate them is valuable in any context.
Let's take a closer look at each one in a short context and then with a wider view, starting with fight.
The "Fight" trauma response is the body's instinctive reaction to perceived threat by becoming defensive, angry, or aggressive in an effort to regain control or feel safe. Julia had served faithfully in her particular church for many years, but when she noticed manipulation and dishonesty from the leadership, she couldn't stay silent. She asked questions and hard ones at that. Instead of being heard, she was branded as rebellious and divisive. She became frustrated and even angry. Yet her anger wasn't sin. It was her nervous system fighting for safety and truth.
Then there's "Flight". The flight trauma response is the body's instinctive urge to escape or avoid a perceived threat by withdrawing or fleeing, or even staying constantly busy to feel safe.
Frannie was told week after week that a godly wife submits one day at church, something inside her snapped. She got up, walked out mid sermon, and never came back. In reality, her body was choosing escape flight as the only way to survive.
Thirdly "Freeze". The freeze trauma response is the body's instinctive reaction to a perceived threat by shutting down, becoming immobile, or feeling numb.
In order to minimize harm or overwhelm, Eli quietly sits in a small group while others make jokes about queer people. He's got a family member and a friend, a part of that community, his throat tightens, his body goes numb. Later, he beats himself up for not seeing anything, but that silence wasn't weakness. It was his body's way of staying safe in an unsafe room.
And lastly, the trauma response, "Fawn". The Fawn trauma response is the body's instinctive attempt to stay safe by people pleasing, appeasing, or prioritizing others' needs to avoid conflict or rejection.
From a young age, Hannah learned that obedience kept her out of trouble. As the pastor's secretary, she'd often endured his angry outbursts. Each time he yelled, she apologized, and when he demanded more, she complied to everyone else. Hannah was the perfect volunteer, praised for having a servant heart, but her kindness wasn't devotion. It was survival. Pleasing the pastor was how she stayed safe.
In reality, these responses are NOT signs of weak faith. There are signs that your autonomic nervous system is doing exactly what it's designed to do, PROTECT you. The real tragedy is that many churches react in these ways, much like most of us do at some point, yet interpret it as a flaw within themselves rather than a sign that the environment isn't safe in spiritual abuse.
These responses are often spiritually mislabeled. For example, fight is mistaken for rebellion, flight for backsliding, freezing for submission or apathy, and fawning is mistaken for obedience or servanthood. Let's walk further down the road with each of these four Fs of trauma responses and through the lens of spiritual abuse.
When we talk about trauma, especially in the context of faith, it's easy to picture the most obvious moments of harm, an abusive leader, a manipulative sermon, or a controlling system. Trauma not only lives in our physical bodies, it also exists within a church. Sometimes it appears in subtle ways as we instinctively try to protect ourselves when the place that once promised love, started to feel unsafe.
The fight response often shows up when someone begins asking hard questions or calling out hypocrisy. It can also show up in the midst of a challenge to church leaders on a matter. They might be labeled as rebellious, divisive, loud, or disruptive, but in reality, they're often fighting for truth safety.
And authenticity and meeting resistance, silence, even shunning for doing so. The flight response shows up when someone finally walks away leaving the community, avoiding sermons or withdrawing from anything that feels religious or involves church events or church members. Often they are not running from God. They don't always distrust all the individuals they're running away from. They just don't know who they can trust. So in their minds, they're running from potential future harm. This person is sometimes unfairly labeled as stubborn or immature as if they're just "taking their toys and going home" when things don't go their way.
Others may wish they'd stay and challenge the system, but for someone in fight mode, doing so could trigger another trauma response like flight that if extended, potentially escalates the situation and causes harm for themselves and those around them. The freeze response feels like numbness and disconnection. It can look like apathy and disengagement. They might feel an intense degree of cognitive dissonance and want to check out mentally, even while they're there. Physically, they can become a bit of a "pew zombie". In reality, it's their nervous system saying If I stay still enough, maybe the pain and harm won't touch me.
Survivors of abuse may find themselves unable to move or respond for years. As you will hear in an upcoming example of this response, they will detach emotionally just to survive ongoing trauma, and then there's fawning, the people pleasing overserving, constantly apologizing to keep the peace type of person.
Something similar is known as the "tend and befriend" action. Which is a stress response. It's best described as an alternative to the classic fight and flight reaction. Instead of confronting danger, (fight) or escaping it, (flight), the body and mind respond by seeking social connections and caregiving.
Tend is the protecting and caring for oneself or others. And befriend is the seeking safety through social connections, support, and forming alliances with people while they seem on their fronts healthy patterns. What drives individuals to these responses is a sense of survival and obligation. It becomes unhealthy when it's the only strategy a person feels they have.
Especially in unsafe environments, it's driven by fear and survival rather than an independent and authentic choice. It can look like obedience, service, or humility, but underneath it's often fear dressed up as faith, though "tend and befriend" and fawning are similar, tend and befriend is a stress response that seeks safety through connection and caregiving. While fawning is a trauma response that seeks safety through appeasement, tending aims to nurture, but fawning aims to please in order to avoid conflict or harm, I mention them both as in both the individual aims to give of themselves to soothe the stress or trauma, but both are anemic of self-care and protection.
When someone experiences spiritual abuse, it doesn't always look like shouting or overt cruelty. Sometimes it looks like silence. Its driver is often Fear and Compliance rides in the backseat because our bodies continually find ways to keep us safe, even within seemingly safe church walls.
Healing can mean reconnecting with your nervous system's wisdom. It means recognizing that every instinctual response is your body's attempt to protect you and keep you safe. It's about gently building a sense of safety in your body, your relationships, and your spirituality. True healing honors these instincts instead of shaming them and understands that your body isn't betraying you, it's protecting you. As safety returns, so does your curiosity and your voice. Also, returning is a faith that feels like freedom instead of fear. The goal isn't to erase these responses, but to understand them and give grace to them. In doing so, we can move from merely surviving to living a fuller life. To do that. Let's walk through a few scenarios where these responses might appear.
Look at what's happening in each one, and explore healthier ways to navigate them. Let's imagine a scenario involving a fictional place called a New River Church. The church has around 150 to 200 people and is growing quickly. It's led by a charismatic pastor called Pastor Mark. In this church, obedience is praised and questioning is discouraged. It had the outward appearance of a healthy church, but beneath the surface there were cracks.
One day there was a confrontation after church. Pastor Mark had just preached a sermon. Afterwards, Emily approached the pastor to address what she felt was a sermon that deeply shamed women who worked outside the home. She was nervous to challenge the pastor, but she truly desired an honest conversation. Yet what she got in return was a dismissal of her concerns and the words. He said, "Your being too sensitive! Scripture is clear on this".
Emily's throat tightened her heart raised and she instinctively pushed back her fight response had been activated. She responded by saying, "I don't believe those verses say what you're claiming".. The way you're using them feels more like control than guidance. Though her voice was shaking, She spoke louder. She was ready to defend herself and others regarding what felt like injustice. She became flooded with adrenaline and braced for conflict.
Many might automatically assume Emily is outta line simply because she challenged a pastor. Why did she react so strongly? It was her natural fight response that was activated. The sermon's message was perceived as a threat and her body responded to that with a fight response. So back to our scenario, Emily has challenged the pastor regarding an issue he spoke about. Standing nearby Emily, is Rick, another church member who felt the tension of the conflict that arose between Emily and the pastor.
His heart rate went up and he felt the overwhelming urge to walk away. He did just that, slipping out the side door, telling himself, I don't wanna be a part of this drama. His nervous system was screaming: Escape! Get away! Don't get involved! Stay safe! So he took flight and left the perceived conflict.
At the same time, Mia, a volunteer on the leadership team stood frozen. Her mind went blank. She recognized that what Emily was saying was valid, and that Emily had every right to confront the pastor, but Mia couldn't bring herself to move or speak. Her body locked up. She knew something felt wrong. Yet as she later explained, I just didn't know what to do. She couldn't bring herself to fight or flee, so she froze.
Finally, Peter, a longtime member of the church, was eager to stay in good standing and jumped into the conversation between them in an attempt to smooth things over.
He told Emily, "I'm sure Pastor Mark didn't mean it that way, He's just passionate about the truth." He smiled nervously, trying to calm everyone, downplaying Emily's words and feelings and siding with the pastor to restore a sense of calm. Peter's fawning response reveals his instinct to appease the perceived threat to maintain safety and connection, and perhaps to ease his own discomfort amidst the tension.
All four responses. Emily's fight, Rick's flight, Mia's freeze, and Peter's fawning are simply our body's way to survive. Each response is very common. None. A failure of faith, just protective instincts put into action.
Alright, here's another scenario. Grant. An associate pastor began to notice behavior regarding the lead pastor that didn't sit right with him. Several young women felt uncomfortable around the pastor describing his actions as overly flirtatious and inappropriate concerned. Grant first tried to address it discreetly by bringing it to the elder's attention instead of taking him seriously. They accused Grant of being divisive and disruptive, leaving him with no other option.
Grant did what he thought was right and made the decision to speak out publicly. He did this by posting an open letter calling what others refused to acknowledge. He was exhibiting a fight response. He couldn't stay silent anymore, but his courage came with a cost as he lost his job, his friends and his faith community.
Tessa, a worship leader in the church who happened to be one of the women that experienced those crossed boundaries by the lead pastor, happened to feel ill more frequently. These absences really affected the whole worship team as she was the lead singer. Without warning, she packed up her guitar, left the church saying goodbye to no one and never returned. She felt the instinct to run, and she did. She didn't lose faith. She just ran away to escape the inappropriate behavior by the lead pastor.
Caleb, a youth volunteer reacted differently during a staff meeting where one of the women was publicly humiliated for speaking up about the behavior of the head pastor. He sat frozen. He knew he'd seen some of this inappropriate behavior and should really say something. His heart raced but his mouth wouldn't move.
Week after week, he remained numb, convincing himself that maybe this wasn't as bad as it seemed, that him getting involved would not be helpful. Caleb exhibited the freeze response when the body shuts down to survive and speaking feels impossible.
And then there was Becca, the head pastor's assistant. When the rumors began to surface, she defended him both online and in person. She worked late and apologized for the things she didn't do. She believed being loyal to the head pastor was the right thing. Her fawning response had one objective, protect her pastor with the added bonus of keeping in good graces with the lead pastor.
This fawning response was a survival strategy that involved people pleasing to stay safe. Years later in therapy realized she'd spent years trying to create peace to avoid punishment or discomfort. Also believing her loyalty to the church and the lead pastor superseded her instincts to speak out.
Each of these church members, Emily, Rick, Mia, Peter, grant, Tessa, Caleb, and Becca responded differently, but each reaction was done with the best of intentions. It was their nervous system doing what it thought it needed to do to survive. Their stances cost them dearly. Some betrayed their family members, some church family, still others, their own value system.
These stories show that trauma responses can happen quickly, instinctively. They're not a sign of weak faith. They come from the body's deep, instinctive drive to protect our own worth and defend the dignity of those who have been harmed or are being harmed. Especially in environments that mistake control for holiness and where their instinct is deeply meaningful and sacred.
Does this resonate with you? If so, you are not alone. Your body isn't broken. The system that shamed it, is. Acknowledging and speaking truth is where healing can finally begin.
I personally wanted to know more. Is there a reason why one individual's body would pick one trauma response over another? I know for myself, I've experienced each of these responses in different scenarios, but my body seems to have inclinations to some over others. If you're curious about this, I encourage further exploration on this matter. Here's what I've discovered so far.
There are many reasons why people tend to respond with different trauma responses, and it's not a simple explanation. Several factors are at play. First, our genetic makeup and temperament play a major role. Some individuals seem more inclined to challenge the status quo. They're not afraid to speak up or rock the boat. It seems to come more naturally to them. Others avoid conflict by withdrawing or stepping back. Others appear present, but emotionally checked out. They seem apathetic and passive about matters. And then there are the fawners who seem to just go along with the loudest voices or the most popular opinions.
Secondly, there are childhood experiences people have had. Some have had to endure neglect. A constant level of stress and even abuse. These can certainly lead to various trauma responses over others.
Thirdly, people have developed survival strategies that have been effective with other situations, and they use them for their current situation. For example, a child in a physically abusive household may default to freeze or fight as those have kept them safe in their volatile environment. For someone in a psychologically manipulative environment, they may constantly fawn hustling for their survival.
Lastly, the decision is made because of how that person perceives the threat. If they perceive it as controllable, they might choose fight or flight. This usually happens when a person believes they have enough power agency or resources to confront or get away from the situation. Yet if the threat seems inescapable, they may choose freeze or fawn. They do this because their nervous system sense that resisting or escaping would make things worse or is simply impossible.
There is also the influence of attachment styles on trauma responses, but that's a conversation for another day. Instead, let's dive into the nuts and bolts of each of these responses.
The fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses. How can we recognize them in ourselves and others when we know what they are? We can use that information to get curious about why our bodies are trying to protect us. The more in tune we are with our body and emotions, the better equipped we are to navigate through stressful situations.
I'll share some real life stories that illustrate each response, and I'll include links to these stories in the show notes if you'd like more context. With fight, a person confronting a threat head-on is a common response. It can often manifest itself in anger, defiance, or aggression. In the context of spiritual abuse, this fight reaction may lead to questioning authority, calling out hypocrisy, or challenging harmful doctrine.
Internally, you may feel a strong sense of moral outrage and justice, and an intense drive to expose the truth or protect others. This impulse can show up due to setting firm boundaries, standing your ground, or resisting established authority. I know that's how I've felt many times with this podcast.
Ultimately, the fight response is the body's way of trying to regain control by directly confronting a perceived threat or injustice. People in this state often become truth tellers, often those willing to ignore discomfort and are unafraid to challenge manipulation or hypocrisy within a system. As you can imagine when wrongdoing is present, this response is rarely welcomed because it disrupts the status quo or can expose that which some would prefer stay hidden. Many of those who enter the fight mode are whistleblowers who risk so much to expose and bring about change.
A current real life example would be the Southern Baptist Convention Crisis. This crisis centered on widespread allegations of sexual abuse and a systemic coverup within the denomination that were revealed through investigative reports and survivor testimonies, leaders were accused of protecting the institution's reputation. Rather than addressing abuse or supporting victims, the scandal sparked deep divisions over accountability, transparency. The rule of power and patriarchy in church leadership. If it hadn't been for a major sustained and systemic fight driven largely by survivors and advocates, the truth might never have come to light and meaningful change might never have happened.
The late Jennifer Lyell who went public in 2019, despite intense backlash. Tirelessly challenged the SBCs refusal to track abusers and handle claims appropriately. Her fight response, along with others included commissioning an independent investigation, The Guidepost Solutions Report demanding reforms and persistently speaking out against the resistance of denominational leadership.
Jennifer Lyell and others fight brought about some formal acknowledgements and apologies. It provided the survivors an opportunity to be incorporated into the independent investigation and increased the awareness of such activity to the church and others outside the denomination, leading to a broader attempt by denominations on how to handle abuse within their organization despite more important changes needing to be made. Her fight response brought about a positive change and brought into light things that have been swept under the rug or placed in a secret file.
Flight occurs when a person seeks to escape or avoid threat, whether physically or emotionally. This may show up as people leaving situations without explanation. Cutting off contact with their religious peers or avoiding spiritual activities or practices altogether in cases of spiritual abuse. This response is directly linked to the stress experienced in the religious environment. While some may interpret this as backsliding, the individual is simply seeking safety from a place, their body is identified as dangerous. The choice to create distance is driven by an intense feeling of panic and overwhelm, as their nervous system dictates that escaping is the necessary path for survival.
For example, Julie could no longer sit through sermons where she'd been shamed for not submitting to her husband. They made her physically ill. One day, her body's flight instinct took over and she left mid service. She never returned. She blocked all communication with the pastor and the church. Her abrupt departure was not a spiritual failure, but a survivor's choice to escape an unsafe environment and begin healing.
A recent example of a flight response comes from former members of the ultra secretive Christian sect, known as the two by twos (2 x 2), or "The Truth", who traditionally met in private homes rather than formal churches. The group's structure enabled a lack of transparency and a systemic coverup of abuse. After survivors came forward to expose decades of sexual predation and internal silencing, the matter became the subject of an FBI investigation.
Given the group's unique, high controlled, and isolating structure, the flight response is particularly debilitating Since meetings occurred in homes, the escape is less about fleeing a physical building and more about fleeing an entire, all encompassing way of life. The system is designed to leave members with few soft places to land, making the departure both necessary and extremely disorienting.
A significant factor is the group's emphasis on absolute certainty of their eternal salvation and divine purpose. A belief shared by many high controlled religious environments. Fleeing a system like that can give those, leaving it a sense of losing that sense of security and purpose. A terrifying aspect of this loss is a deep sense of grief, intense confusion, and a profound mistrust of all authority.
Ultimately, for those leaving the two by two church, the flight was not just about walking away. It's meant a terrifying isolated journey into an unknown world without the social, economic, or spiritual maps that they've been conditioned to rely on, and they are not alone.
In a future episode I'll be interviewing former members of this church, Their painful journeys....like those of so many others....have made it difficult to confront the ways their organization rationalizes, excuses or conceals abuse members are forced to grapple with remaining in a system that fails to protect its most vulnerable.
As was mentioned before, freezing is a trauma response that is characterized by becoming physically immobile, emotionally numb, and often cognitively detached. People in this state often experience a sense of being stuck or spiritually paralyzed. They feel zoned out, profoundly disconnected and confused sometimes wanting to engage, but feeling absolutely nothing. This reaction is a deep survival strategy where the mind tells the body, if I remain still and shut down, I can avoid any further pain or danger.
Elijah often sat in a small church group, quietly nodding as others shared harmful views about queer people. One of his closest friends was queer, and he desperately wanted to speak up, but each time he tried his throat tightened and his body went numb Afterwards, he felt intense shame for staying silent. This was a freeze response. His body shutting down to protect him from a perceived threat of rejection or conflict. What looked like apathy was actually a deep physiological reaction to fear in a hostile environment.
In a recent story of sexual abuse of a minor by Pastor John Lowe II, the freeze trauma response was clearly demonstrated by Bobi Gephart the victim. Her inability to speak about the abuse led to decades of silence and emotional paralysis. She remained silent for 27 years.
This is how the freeze response manifested in her life. 27 years ago, she was sexually assaulted by Pastor John Lowe II. The emotional energy needed to process the trauma and confront her abuser. Pastor Lowe was so overwhelming, she froze psychologically. By doing this, she detached from reality of the abuse to survive within the church system, which she had been a part of her whole life.
To make matters worse, when the abuse came to light, Pastor Lowe verbally disguised it as a moment of adultery causing her and others to believe that she had been a willing participant despite the fact she was a child! This combination of confusion and power imbalance led Gephart into intense self blame and suicidal thoughts.
She struggled to understand the spiritual paralysis. She felt unable to reconcile the actions of a man of God with the deep pain. She felt believing that she was a horrible person is a common psychological outcome of the freeze response. As it often directs anger and blame inward. This freeze response was so strong that the abuse continued for nine years.
Eventually, after many years, which is not uncommon. She made a decisive and painful shift from freezing to a courageous fight response. And boy did she fight! In 2022, Bobi made a public declaration in front of all her spiritual peers revealing years of sexual abuse by Pastor John Lowe.
Many in the congregations sat in stunned silence, frozen in disbelief that something like this could happen in their church, right under their noses. Others quietly slipped out the back doors in a flight response, and as Bobi and her husband moved to the front of the church to speak. Asking people in the congregation, "If you love us, please let us speak". Several elders responded by surrounding the pastor. Thankfully, the victim was allowed to share her story to the stunned congregation.
This freeze response of staying silent for 27 years is a common survival tactic, especially when escaping a threat is impossible. This is often the case when a powerful authority figure is the abuser. Licensed Marriage and Family therapist, Beverly Engel wrote in her article on child abuse, (Quote) "Delayed disclosure is common for survivors. In fact, most wait years before disclosing child sexual abuse. Surprisingly, the average age at the time of reporting child sexual abuse is about 52 years old." (End Quote)
What happened after Gephart left the room sickened me. Many of the audience members responded with fawning behavior by gathering around the disgraced pastor to pray for him. While disregarding the pain and the truth of the victim, that was moments ago, standing before them, they dismissed criminal behavior, disregarded her testimony, and chose instead to defend the system. A complex trauma response, rooted in fear and misplaced loyalty.
Lastly, fawning is a trauma response where a person attempts to avoid conflict, harm or rejection by appeasing or pleasing the perceived threat or perpetrator. It's a fear-based survival strategy that says, if I can stay agreeable, compliant, or helpful, maybe I'll be safe In the context of spiritual abuse, those who fawn will defend or excuse a harmful leader's behavior.
As it pertains to themselves, they tend to over apologize or minimize their own pain to keep the peace. They often people please and struggle to say no. To avoid being labeled rebellious or divisive, they silence their own truth, working hard to earn or maintain acceptance through loyalty, service, and submission.
Well, this may look like humility or grace on the surface. It's actually a self-protective reflex. To preserve safety and belonging in a unsafe environment over time, the suppression and compliance meant to maintain loyalty leads to a loss of identity and the silencing of one's authentic voice. It is driven by a belief that if I'm agreeable and helpful, maybe I won't be shamed or abandoned.
But ultimately, in the end, you abandon yourself and become complicit. A real life example is in the case of the Mars Hill Church. I haven't yet talked much about the Mars Hill Church or its founder, Pastor Mark Driscoll, but his leadership is a masterclass in spiritual abuse on so many levels. More on him and his story in a later episode.
According to former staff and elders of the Mars Hill Church, the culture of the church was structured to demand unquestioning loyalty and reward those who aligned themselves with the domineering senior pastor.
Here's how the fawning response showed up around Mark Driscoll. Mark was a young pastor who founded the Mars Hill Church in the Seattle area in 1996. Those who worked with him often described him as domineering, arrogant, and quick tempered. As a result, many around him became, "YES men and women", afraid to end up on his bad side. Those who didn't comply often faced his anger and were met with harsh, demeaning rhetoric. Staff and leaders quickly realized that to maintain their positions within the fast growing church, they had to prioritize appeasing him and people pleasing over honesty or confrontation.
In these real life accounts, people responded to spiritual abuse, were acting in a way that their bodies knew how to protect them. Sadly, churches often misunderstand these trauma responses. What's needed is a deeper understanding. Instead of viewing the person's trauma response as the problem, we must recognize that the real issue lies in the environment or system, or in the actions of those causing harm. My hope is that by learning about these trauma responses, we can begin to respond with greater awareness, compassion and care.
This does not involve fighting against your body's natural response to protect itself. It's about working with your body in a new and healthy way. The responses of fight, flight, freeze and fawn are your body's way to keep you safe, not a moral failure to be shamed. They are our survival mechanisms. Healing begins when we notice them with a curiosity, instead of shame.
One healthy way of approaching this is by becoming aware of your body's trauma responses. Pay attention to what's happening inside you. Is your heart racing or has your breathing increased? Is your stomach getting queasy? Are you feeling like you just wanna shut down? Then name those feelings out loud If you need to say things like, I'm feeling frozen. I notice I wanna run. I'm feeling pretty angry right now. I'm feeling like I have to choose a side. Naming these feelings and emotions helps bring them to conscious awareness, which is the first step towards understanding and regulating them.
After becoming aware of these feelings, find a way to regulate your body by trying to take deep breaths. Praying, journaling, talking to yourself in a kind and gentle way, going for a walk or even taking a nap. You also will wanna set healthy boundaries for yourself. This retrains your body to understand that safety and authenticity can coexist.
Two other powerful steps include connecting with safe, supportive relationships in your life. Friends, mentors, therapists, pastors, or any community that honors your story without control or judgment. And lastly, for people of faith, this can mean rediscovering a spirituality that heals not harms. Over time, we can retrain our trauma responses to serve us in healthful ways.
To briefly summarize:
The fight response arises when we feel threatened and your body tries to protect you or regain a sense of control. You might feel angry, tense, defensive, or easily offended, and your reactions may come across as controlling, aggressive or confrontational. Instead, try grounding yourself in deep breathing, positive self-talk, physical activity, journaling, or reaching out for support once you regulated your internal fight response.
You can decide whether to respond calmly or directly, or to step away temporarily or permanently from a situation. That choice is deeply personal and depends on what feels safe and healthy for you. The flight response is the instinct to escape perceived danger, often showing up as busyness, overthinking, or constant planning to avoid fear or discomfort when in flight, you may feel anxious, panicked, restless, distracted, zoned out, or trapped. You might find yourself unable to sit still avoiding conflict like the plague, and are hyper alert to potential threats. Instead, try to slow down and pace yourself. Practice gentle physical movements.
Take time for quiet reflection. Use grounding or safe space visualizations and focus on steady, controlled breathing to calm your nervous system. The freeze response involves an emotional or physical shutdown. When faced with the threat, a person may feel stuck, unable to act using stillness as a way to stay safe or unnoticed.
When in freeze, you might feel numb, empty, unfocused, scared or ashamed. You may withdraw, daydream, become indecisive. Seek solitude or experience depressive feelings to counter this response. Focus on your breathing gently. Expand your comfort zone. Practice muscle relaxation. Engage in small acts of kindness.
Start saying yes in safe opportunities. Reorient your thoughts and remind yourself you are not alone. The fallen responses is survival strategy centered on appeasing others people. May people please over accommodate or suppress their own needs and order to stay safe. When in Fawn you might feel overwhelmed, scared, disconnected, feel responsible for others, burned out or inauthentic. You may act by pleasing people, by being codependent. Struggling to say no. Being easily manipulated, lacking boundaries, or over apologizing.
To counter this response, practice setting healthy boundaries, assertiveness, self-reflective journaling. Engage in inner child healing, build supportive relationships, start saying "No" when needed, prioritizing your self-care and self validation through positive affirmations.
This is immensely challenging work. How do I know? I have personally experienced every single one of these trauma responses, not only in a secular context, but in a spiritual context as well. If you were to reflect long enough, likely you have also, not necessarily because we've all been in harmful environments, though some clearly have, but because simply being in community with other humans can be chaotic and messy.
The most important lesson I learned from this research was not to shame myself for these responses, but to approach them with curiosity instead. What is my body and mind trying to protect me from and how can I respond in healthier ways when these trauma responses arise in her book, "When Religion Hurts You", Dr. Laura Anderson explores the nervous systems response to religious trauma and the benefits of understanding how it works. It's incredibly informative and I highly recommend reading it if you can. She shares a personal caveat at the end that I thought was both helpful and inspirational, especially for anyone who has experienced trauma, which is all of us.
At some point. She said, (Quote) Understanding the nervous system was, for me, a foundational part of healing from trauma. Often individuals who have had overwhelming and dangerous experiences find themselves stuck in shame over the way that their body responded in the scariest moments of their lives.
They've wondered why they couldn't speak up or run away, why they seemed unable to move, why they went along with someone, or why despite wanting to fight, they stood still. We believe that if we figure out where we went wrong, then we can keep it from happening again. It feels easier to figure out what we can fix than to acknowledge how bad it truly was.
I remember the day that the nervous system information clicked for me. Nothing special was going on, but in a matter of moments, tears began streaming down my face as I realized how brilliant my body and nervous system were, and how fiercely they protected me. I felt so grateful that because of all the times my nervous system fought, fled, fond, or froze.
I was alive today understanding that my nervous system did exactly what it was created to do to keep me alive, and that it continues to keep me alive is something I am beyond grateful for." (End quote). I'll post the information on this book in the show notes. I found Dr. Anderson's words to be both beautiful and grounding.
They remind us not to abandon our bodies, but to honor the ways they've protected us sometimes in ways we don't understand at the time. My hope is that today's episode helps you do the same, to meet your own responses with compassion, not condemnation. If anything from this conversation resonated with you, or if you have tools or practices that have navigated you through moments of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
I'd love to hear from you, Pastor Kayleigh Clark, shared in a previous episode. Healing happens in community and your story or insight might be exactly what someone else also needs.
You can reach me at soulbruises@gmail.com or send me a message on Instagram @soulbruises2023.
Thanks for being here.
We're in this together.
Until next time,
Be Human, Be Kind, Be Both.
