Episode 7: BONUS EPISODE - What Is The Missing Stair?

Have you ever navigated a staircase, wary of that one perilous step you know to skip? That's the essence of the 'missing stair', an analogy we explore in a special bonus episode of Soul Bruises, which casts light on the often unseen perils within our spiritual communities. We delve into the metaphor's origin and its startling relevance to spiritual abuse, illuminating the dangers of ignoring harmful behaviors that, like a literal missing stair, threaten our collective wellbeing. And for those who have encountered such unsettling realities, know that this discussion is a sanctuary where understanding and healing are at the forefront.

Joining the conversation are the Silo Sisters, Phoebe Hunt, Bonnie Sims, and Melody Walker, whose moving lyrics in "The Missing Stair" echo the whispers and warnings of communities that, instead of repairing what's broken, teach newcomers to simply tread carefully. As we unpack the song and its haunting depiction of overlooked hazards, we issue a resounding call to action. It's time to fix these stairs—to confront and correct the predators in disguise. This episode is more than a conversation; it's an invitation to become an active participant in the transformation of our spiritual spaces. 

YouTube link for the song "The Missing Stair" by the Silo Sisters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPNh-ZIdaYk

"Be Human, Be Kind, Be Both."

Transcript

Christie Hodson: 0:17

Hey there, friends and fellow soul defenders, my name is Christie and I want to welcome you to Soul Bruises, a podcast devoted to taking a closer look at spiritual abuse. If this is a return trip for you, I'm so happy you chose to stay curious about this topic and if you are new to this issue, the Soul Bruises podcast is about exposing, educating and being a part of an ever-growing team looking to eradicate spiritual abuse. I hope you choose to be part of that team. If, at any point, you feel uncomfortable about the content due to past or present trauma, please do not ignore what your body is telling you and choose the decision that is best for you to make.

Christie Hodson: 1:07

In the fifth episode of Soul Bruises, entitled "An Oxymoron Defined, a question was asked when are we going to repair the missing stair? If you didn't get the opportunity to listen to that particular episode, that's okay. It just may provide a bit more context to this question about the missing stair and why, as the host of Soul Bruises, I am dedicating a whole bonus episode to answer that question. If you had expressed the phrase the missing stair to me six months ago, I would have looked at you confused and said what does that mean? Of course, initially my brain visualizes an actual staircase with a missing step, but metaphorically, I've come to know it has a much deeper meaning. My daughter introduced me to this saying and subsequent folk song with the same name. Both speak to this expressional phrase, and I've not been able to get this word picture out of my mind ever since. So what is the missing stair and what does it have to do with spiritual abuse? The missing stair was a phrase coined first by blogger Cliff Jerrison in 2012. In a literal sense, as I had imagined, it refers to that step on the staircase that needs to be fixed, the one you carefully avoid putting any weight on, or, even worse yet, the step that is entirely absent. Yet it is mostly in the metaphorical sense that I will be speaking about it here and why it will be the focus of this bonus episode.

Christie Hodson: 2:55

According to Wikipedia, the missing stair is (quote) a metaphor for a person within a social group or organization who many people know is untrustworthy or otherwise has to be managed, but around whom the group chooses to work by discreetly warning newcomers of their behavior, rather than address the person and their behavior openly. (End quote). Perhaps you know such an individual within your church community. That metaphorically fits the description of the missing stair analogy. Often this is used in the context of a sexual harassment or other abuses, but it can also apply to other situations where someone's behavior is a problem and yet not addressed. This metaphor highlights the dangers of ignoring or enabling harmful behavior. Just like disregarding the repair of a missing stair poses a significant physical danger or threat, a person's harmful behavior can cause emotional or psychological harm to others.

Christie Hodson: 4:07

Metaphors involve stating that something IS something else, and often this is done through vivid imagery that expresses a strong emotion, such as the imagery of a missing stair In the context of sexual abuse. It's easy to understand Wikipedia when it states that (quote)" the analogy of the missing stair makes it clear that the problem is the predator, the missing stair, and the solution is stopping the predatory behavior, fixing the missing stair, end quote. Thus, the missing stair is the predator and the only way of fixing that predatory behavior is by fixing that missing stair. However, in the tricky realm of spiritual abuse, where the word predator seems to be overkill, the same terms also apply. Often the predator. In the context of spiritual abuse, that missing stair goes unfixed for much, much longer because no actual crime was committed to bring it to the forefront, and yet the abuser is still very much a predator and needs to be stopped.

Christie Hodson: 5:24

As I mentioned before, I knew nothing about the phrase the missing stair or the song by the same name. The song was composed by the talented Silo Sisters, which include the artists Phoebe Hunt, Bonnie Sims and Melody Walker. Their lyrics start like this (quote) "nd of the hallway door on the left In the darkness, don't forget to skip a step Down. In the basement there is a hole and they won't fix it, though it's claimed so many souls. So we whisper, so we warn, so we won't burn down the house where we were born. Is a monster hidden there? Tell me, why won't we repair the missing stair? End quote. And that's just the first verse. So let's talk about it.

Christie Hodson: 6:19

Our staircases serve as an exit off of one floor to another. Often they are located in a stairwell that is hidden away from the main areas of the building. If one of those groups of steps has a missing stair, it won't necessarily become obvious unless you're traveling up and down them in that problem area. When something is unseen, it can hide in the shadows a great deal longer.

Christie Hodson: 6:46

When someone has the unfortunate circumstance of experiencing that metaphorical missing stair, that person that has been causing problems that no one wants to address. Choosing rather to walk around it, minimize the danger of it or pretend there isn't an issue at all, only delays the consequences of neglecting that stair For those that need to use the stairs. They often are more acutely aware of the missing stair and change their behavior accordingly because of it. Either they step over it completely, avoid the stairs altogether, or choose to fix it. They are more keenly aware from the danger it's causing and the particular person with issues that no one wants to address for a variety of reasons. Instead of getting to the heart of the problem of that particular person or persons, there is often an attempt to conceal the true nature of the risk level for those around this individual or individuals. While this seems like avoiding it and hoping it goes away will work, it does not. Sometimes it empowers the predator or person causing problems to actively keep misbehaving. In the end, the missing stair still exists and puts all those around it more at risk of harm. Not addressing the missing stair solves nothing. It just delays the healing that can be had by fixing the issue.

Christie Hodson: 8:23

The chorus of the song really struck a chord with me. "So we whisper, so we warn. Why do we whisper in our attempts to make others aware of the missing stair? We are hushed. For whom? Whose interests are we protecting by staying quiet? Certainly not the victim or the overall body of believers. By ignoring the issue of the missing stair and silencing attempts at fixing it, members of a church perpetuate harm against each other. If there is established evidence of spiritual abuse or any other abuse, why do we choose to stay silent about it? Why is the predator, the missing stair, allowed to remain, despite the many damaging byproducts of this approach? At what point is it time for action, for structural repair? All humans deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. So is it not important to speak out against abuse and loudly identify the missing stair to prevent further harm and additional victims? I believe it's long overdue.

Christie Hodson: 9:37

Further along in the song there is a line that deeply resonated with me. It was "so we won't burn down the house where we were born. As someone who has been deeply integrated into a church community throughout my whole life, this line struck a chord with me on multiple levels. Why speak up about the missing stare at the risk of hurting the community or church I am a part of, and is it friendly fire to address issues about your own church family? I find myself wondering whether the house will get burned by speaking up, or if I will get burned by speaking up about it.

Christie Hodson: 10:19

When there is a missing stair, there is danger to the house and to the people inside. Safety ranks just below the basic necessities of food and water on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. When safety is compromised, the church environment becomes a place where individuals are at high risk for injury or harm. These injuries can include various forms of abuse, including that of spiritual abuse. A missing stair needs to be fixed. The risk level will always be there if it's missing.

Christie Hodson: 10:58

While I acknowledge that I may not have the expertise to directly address the missing stair, I do, however, have a voice and the willingness to draw attention to the imperative need of the missing stair repair. If a chorus of voices can be assembled, all the better. Collectively, we can all keep treading through life, walking past, stepping over, walking around that absent stair. Many of us have developed skills to be quite adept at doing just that, even training those in the house to adopt a similar approach. Yet for those who have fell victim to the unrepaired stair. The victims that were hurt due to the lack of repair. Their plight is so incredibly captured in the lines of the song that read (quote( "should have done something, could have done more. I didn't see you when you opened up that door. They're going to blame you for breaking your bones Call it gravity while casting all your stones. End quote. The victims not only get injured, but they are blamed and shamed for sustaining injuries by succumbing to the neglected, predatorial missing stare.

Christie Hodson: 12:24

Cliff Jerrison, in his 2012 blog, where the term the missing stair originated, stated that (quote) "ixing doesn't always mean throwing someone out. Sometimes, a person can be fixed by talking with them bluntly about their behavior, giving them specific rules to follow or putting them on notice that they have one strike left. You don't always have to get rid of the missing stare people, but you do have to work with the person and not around them. End quote. At the conclusion of Jarrison's blog, he emphasized this statement quote fixing stare cases is a long and difficult and uncertain process, but let's at least stop blaming each other for not jumping well enough. End quote.

Christie Hodson: 13:19

We cannot deny the existence of metaphorical missing stairs. Fixing these broken stairs is an extensive, laborious and difficult process. Yet if we do not address this issue, it becomes an accepted part of our environment. While we may caution others about it, over time we eventually start to adapt by finding ways to work around it rather than addressing the underlying fact that it's still there and not being fixed. It's imperative that we get to the root cause and repair the missing stairs in our communities, if for no other reason than to prevent further wounding.

Christie Hodson: 14:03

A poetical description of the missing stair was summed up by an unidentified author that went like this " In the tapestry of life, a tale to share a whispered truth. The elusive missing stare. Not a wooden step in a quiet ascent, but a metaphor, a shadowy event, a chorus of secrets, hushed and concealed. A stare absent, a wound left unhealed In the heart of the structure, a silent despair. A metaphor unfolds the enigma of the missing stare. Whispers flutter like leaves in the breeze, a narrative of caution carried by the trees. Do not disregard the void, the unseen blight, for in the shadows a missing stare takes flight. A church, a community, its foundations laid, yet a hushed acknowledgment of a problem delayed. The stare remains elusive. A lurking soar, a metaphorical absence, an issue to explore the verses of truth. Courage must compose. Unveiling the missing stare where darkness chose to speak is to illuminate, to call out loud, revealing the absence. Beneath the shroud, yet fears echo. You'll burn it all down as courage falters, threatening to drown. But silence is a heavier burden to bear in the persistent echo of the missing stare. So let voices rise, let truth find its song, a symphony of healing, correcting the wrong. For in acknowledging the absence stare, a community mens, a soul repairs.

Christie Hodson: 16:09

I hope you found this episode to be helpful. If you have any additional comments you would like to express that pertain to this or any other episode, you can reach out to me at SoulBruises@ gmailcom, or you can connect with me on Instagram at @SoulBruises2023. Thank you for listening in. I look forward to your return for upcoming episodes of the Soul Bruises podcast. Continue to embody the change you want to see in the world. Stay curious and be the light in someone's darkness. This is Christie Hodson and you've been listening to a bonus episode of the Soul Bruises podcast. Til our paths cross again. Be human, Be kind, Be both.